Beautiful Poem

I think we have all been here, and if you haven't, it is a very freeing moment......so give it a try. This is a phenominal book and I recommend it to everyone (Thank you Holly!)

Yesterday I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant

I came home, went straight to my room,

sat on the edge of my bed,

kicked off my shoes,

unhooked my bra,

and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,

I cried until my nose was running

all overthe silk blouse I got on sale.

I cried until my ears were hot.

I cried until my head was hurting so bad

that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues

lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,

I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,

for all the days that I was too busy,

or too tired,

or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days,

and all the ways,

and all the times

I had dishonored, disrespected,

and disconnected my Self from myself,

only to have it reflected back to me

in the ways others did to me

the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,

only to have them stolen;

for all the things I had asked for

that had yet to show up;

for all the things I had accomplished,

only to give them away,

to people in circumstances,

which left me feeling empty,

and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time

when the only thing leftfor you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because little boys getleft by their daddies;

and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;

and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;

and mommies get left, so they get mad.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because I hurt.

I cried because I was hurt.

I cried because hurt has no place to go

except deeper into the pain thatcaused it in the first place,

and when it gets there,

the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.

I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know

that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,

I felt my freedom coming,

Because Yesterday,

I cried with an agenda

The Garden

I

spent an amazing 2 hours sitting at the Japanese Gardens (in Portland) on sunday afternoon. I had been planning on going here for years, but I never got the chance until now. I was almost glad that it had taken me so long to be able to spend so much time there for a couple of reasons:
1. I finally had a nice camera that I wanted to use and use and use
2. I had some time, to just relax, think about anything and everything that has gone on, is going on and will go on in my life
There are a few of you that will be receiving some emails about this, already have, or it will take some time, but just know, it was a very much needed time that I had to myself. From the moment that I left the hotel to go there, I decided to that I would be silent. I wasn't going to be rude, if someone talked to me, I would have said something back, but other than that....nothing. I think that I only responded to 5 text messages the whole time (and yes, I understand, that it very quiet for me!) and didn't answer my phone. When I got to the top of the hill, I realized that this was going to be like nothing that I have seen before. I have seen pictures of what it looked like before, but NEVER did I think that it was going to be the experience that it was. To those of you who passionatly enjoy photography, I highly recommend this experience to all of you. I took 75 pictures, each and every one of them were perfect, to me, in their own way. I was in awe of the beauty that existed in this seemingly small area.
As soon as I entered the gate, there was a feeling of zen that consumed me. The first area that I went to was the gathering area. There were, in the past, meetings, get togethers and weddings that happened there. I sat down for a moment, really quite overcome with relaxation. I began to try and tell myself that I was the only person there, that no one else mattered, to take the pictures that I wanted to and not worry about who was around, what they thought about me, or what I was thinking.
I walked past the first group of flowers, I noticed one, I thought that it would turn into a good picture, and I wanted to see if I could do the one thing that I loved to see when I looked at pictures like that. Click, first picture, and I was kinda hooked from that moment on, with that kind of picture and the preciseness that I was looking for with every shot. I wanted to make sure that I got just enough or none of the surrounding flowers. You should have seen me, sometimes the one that I wanted, was way to far up for me to see through the viewfinder, so I had to just guess, put the camera up there and trust my judgement.........that in itself was a positive thing for me, to trust my judgement.....anyway, those were sometimes the best ones!
So time passed by and sometimes I would notice that so many others were just like me, taking pictures of the waterfalls, ponds or the rock formations, but I noticed that I was looking so much deeper into every photo. When I would take a picture of the pond, it was about the movement, the way the water was flowing, the way that the single flower that was in the pond was moving. When I would take a picture of the waterfall, it was about every crash of water into the pond below, where it would be flowing from there, and when it would find itself in that place again. There was a moment that I was standing there, in front of a large flight of stairs. There is a picture of this in my page and I thought to myself, that alone is in need of a blog (and yes, I am sure that there is going to be one soon) and click click, another couple of pictures.......
In the end, the beauty that I saw on that day, cannot be explained by any amount of words or pictures. I (fortunatly or unfortunatly) took a lot of close up pictures, so there is no way that you could even get an idea of what it was like. Perhaps I did that in person, becuase even though it is just a park, a place where people go, a tourist attraction, it is what it is, and it was there that I grew, as a person and as a photographer.

Bloomsday

Alright, so for those that don't know, there is a race, a walk or a challange that awaits anyone who chooses to accept it called Bloomsday. It is a 7.5mile course that proves to challange even the most skilled runners. The hillarious part is that you are doing this with about 47,000 of your closest friends. And when I say 47,000 I mean it. This year there were 47,000 people that registered for the race, that is A LOT of people trying to prove something to someone, themselves or just to say that they did it. Ya see, the first time that I did this was 2004. I was in horrible shape, but I did it just becuase I said that I would do it at least one time in my life. 2 hours and 53 minutes later, I was at the finish line......thank goodness. Needless to say I did it again the next year. I was in no better shape, but I took 10 minutes off my time, so that was an accomplishment. Both of those 2 years, I walked the course with my friend Amber, this year, I decided to take on Bloomsday once again........alone. Wow, what a differance.....I mean when you are doing the course with someone else, you can talk about anything and everything. You are not thinking about the first hill that you are going down, wanting to run but knowing that it is going to take a toll on your legs if you do. When you are walking the course with someone else, you are not thinking, as you get to the first hill, "wow, why can't this be Doomsday hill?" What is Doomsday hill? Well, unless you have been through the course, or at least driven up the road, you can't truly understand what it is about. Let's just say, I wish it was at mile 2 instead of mile 5.
So, back to me trying to complete this solo. I woke up Sunday morning, almost excited......it was like I was waiting for this day. I guess that I was, it was a huge challange that I was putting upon myself, and I wanted to see if I could really do it. So, there I am (and you have to try and picture this) I am standing, almost alone in my color group (I was lilac the 2nd slowest of the whole stupid thing) at the front, waiting.....and it was then at that moment.....I thought to myself, (and I did text this to Christina) "I think that I have lost my mind." Anywho, a couple hours went by and it was time. I turned on my music, and got into the "zone" and boy did I need that "zone." So, off we were, I jogged a little, walked very very quickly and checked my watch a lot. You see, before I even got down there, I told myself (and just about anyone that asked) that I was going to do this thing in 2 hours. 40 minutes faster than last time! I knew that I absolutely had to make 15 minute miles, there was no other way around it.
Mile 1, 15 minutes on the dot, perrrrrrfect! Mile 2, still going at 30 minutes......oh crap there was a sign that said there was still 5.5 miles to go....it was again at that moment that I briefly thought that there was no way that I was going to accomplish this. Mile 3, at the top of a hill, a big hill, a hill that I kind of jogged most of the way up.....only becuase I was determined to make that 15 minute mark and the short moment of doubt that I had cost me about a minute while I was trying to convince myself that this was going to be a peice of cake. Mile 4, right in front of the College, a water station (of which I skipped becuase I didn't want to lose even more time) and yet another downward hill. This time I gave in and decided to jog down the hill. LOL!!! That was a pretty big mistake....but HA! Oh well! So, rounding the corner, there it was.........Doomsday Hill. Hmmm, I looked up, down, around and thought, well I have come too far to turn around or quit now so here we go. A LOT of things went through my mind. I am telling you EVERYTHING went through my mind. No, I didn't have that much that I was trying to think about. No, there isn't anything really wrong with me, my life or the people in it but PLEASE this hill, it consumes you if you don't think about anything and everything in the world BUT that thing............ So, I began the upward treck, all the time thinking, oh crap, I am going to be a lot slower than 15 minutes, but I literally could not move any faster. I tried watching all the people, I tried watching all the spectators that cheer everyone on up the hill. I tried keeping my eye on this rediculious giant bird that is always at the top of the hill. I realized that none of that was helping, perhaps only making it worse, so I took one final look toward the top, put my head down and just went for it. I think (and yes, I can't really remember) that nothing was going through my mind at that point. Zero, nothing, zilch, empty.....just keep walking.........
Finally mile 6, yea, oh hell, there is still a mile and a half.......it was at that point that my phone started to ring......I answered, it helped hide the pain.....for the brief moments that I was talking to someone. Christina called (to make sure I was still alive, my mom called (to make sure that I was still alive), John called (yes, to make sure that I was still alive)....thankfully, I was able to answer the phone.....because I was still alive.
Finally, mile 7, we rounded the corner, I forgot about my 15 minute mile goal, all I could see was the finish line (and the little spots that had formed in my mind from being so exhausted). I looked up at the time as I crossed the line and there it was 2 hours, 2 minutes and 19 seconds....not bad......40 minutes faster than my best, I have nothing to complain about. Well, except maybe the mile and a half I had to walk to get back to my ride, but hey after the past 7 1/2 what's another mile and a half, the legs were numb and the sunburn had set in.......can't get much better than that.
Oh yea, and yes, I am very sore

The Storm

The wind blows

A woman cries

The thunder cracks

A heart breaks

The lightning strikes

A dream is crushed

The tornado forms

Pain like none other

Natures fury unfolds

Anger ensues

Storm passes by

Forgiveness sets in

The sun appears

In the end, love wins

Patience

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I have just realized that I really don't have any patience, well, for this, at this moment. I am sitting here, or, well, I was pacing.....waiting for this stupid delivery guy to get here with my new phone. You see, in my office, with the window cracked a little bit, I can hear all the traffic. So, every time that I hear what might be a delivery truck, I look up like a small child who swears they can hear Santa on Christmas Eve.....pathetic, I know. I have checked the stupid tracking page like 5 times and every time, it tells me that they promise it to me by 5pm on the 2nd business day. Well, let me tell you, it is 5:04pm and I don't have it. But, who really is going to do anything about it? I guess that's what bothers me........is that when this dude shows up, I bet he doesn't even say anything about it. He's probably just going to practically throw it on the counter, rudely ask for someone to sign his little clipboard and waltz outta here like it's no big deal. Like I haven't been waiting here ALL DAY for his little yellow truck to pull up. When I was out driving this afternoon I saw one of those trucks sitting a parking lot. I bet that he was just sitting there......taunting me. Blah! How rediculious is this, that I am waiting for some guy I don't even know, to show up here, just to drop off this phone that is going to take me months to figure out that I don't even need.......figures!
I need to find a hobby