Winter silence

Today I wake to an erie silence that is only briefly broken by the fall of an icicle from my rooftop. As I slowly rise from my bed I notice that it seems brighter than normal outside and I move quickly to the window. It is when I open the blinds that I realize that it is a perfect winter morning on this day. It looks as though there is 3" of new snow atop the 14" that was already there and the sun is shining so brightly in the sky. With almost a sense of urgency I get dressed in warmer clothes, grab my camera and head outside. As I begin to open the door, the feeling of calm that intially woke me strengthens to a feeling of need, to understand the beauty of nature and what it has given to us on this day.


With each step there is a crunch in the snow and a feeling of emotion that takes over me. With every step that follows, I wonder, what is this, this enchanting force of happiness, struggle and pain that seems to follow me. Why is it, that on this simply beautiful day, there can be any sorrow that exists inside me. It is then, that I see that it is each step that I take. It is when the heal of my foot is layed upon the ground, at that point that I know it was you. It was you, who for so many months seemed to have this need to consume all that I had inside me and it is now that I am amazed by the control that I have maintained when thinking about you. At any moment months ago, the mere throught of you would have held my heart captive, but today I am able to pass by it as though only a fleeting thought.



It is the silence of winter that is surrounding me now, in this moment. With every step, I hear the snow melting from rooftops, trees blowing in the wind and my heart beating. It is now that I know with every breath that I take, I can make the choice to allow you to take over my soul or to walk away. This is my winter silence, it is no longer a battle in my heart but a choice in my mind.

My Vacation

Well, let's see here. Where should I begin? It was a cold afternoon on Thursday when John and I set out on the first vacation that we have had in 3 years. We were going to spend some time in Portland with some friends, John was going to drive home on Sunday and I was going to be able to have some much needed catch-up time with a couple people. The drive Thursday was a piece of cake! Only about 5 or so hours and for the first time ever there was no wind in the gorge along the Columbia River! We checked into the hotel and were given a great upgraded room! Friday was great, we got up, went shopping for a few hours and then went to dinner with Megan and her husband Dave, whom we haven't seen since their wedding in September. It was at dinner that I noticed that I was coughing, a lot and begining to not feel well. Oh well, I thought to myself, I will just take it easy, pump myself full of zicam and should be good to go in a couple days. I took of later in the evening to spend some much needed time with a great friend and realized that this vacation was going great....so far.
Saturday morning I awoke several times to my coughing and coughing, hacking and coughing. Knowing that there was alot that I needed to be doing over the next few days we decided to just lay low. I slept a lot of the day and took several hot baths. Nothing was working, but I just kept on going. It was at that point that we looked on the internet to see that 2 of the 3 ways to get back to Spokane were closed and no one knew when they were going to be re-opened! Wait a minute! John has to drive home tomorrow and I am not exactly sure how that is going to happen now?
Throughout the night I was up and down, coughing, sneezing coughing, hacking etc.... by the time that I decided I couldn't lay down any longer it was 7 am and there I was, checking the road conditions again. Alas, 2 out of the 3 options were still closed and the only way home was to take I-5 north to Tacoma and hop onto I-90 and hope and pray that the Pass would be, well, passable. It was at this moment that my mother called, heard how I sounded and reminded me that I couldn't get my grandfather sick (That was the 2nd part of my vacation, I was going to go down to Phoenix, AZ to visit). It was then that I realized what I needed to do. Obviously it was not my time to go down there and I knew that I needed to help John get back to Spokane.
We set out at 8:30, got some chains for my car and we were on our way. The weather was pretty good the entire time. The Pass was in great shape and the roads seemed to be fine as well.....until Ellensburg. It was at about this time that we got a phone call from our Neighbor, it had snowed 12" at our house!! Needless to say, as we passed about 20 accidents and even one involving a state trooper we arrived in the snowy city of Spokane at 5pm. I began to turn down our road and got stuck. We are not talking about a little stuck and you need someone to help push, but like I needed a snowplow to plow the road in front of me and behind so I could get a running start. After about 20 or trying to make it up the hill, I finally turned into my driveway and.....yep you guessed it, got stuck again. This time I eventualy made it in but not after screwing up my traction control and ABS system on my car. So, isn't that a little ironic, I need to try and get to Saab tomorrow so they can fix my traction control as I was trying to get unstuck.
So, the plan is that I will probably still take a couple days off this week, but not to enjoy it but rather to try and get better. Oh, what a vacation this has been!

Raindrops

Have you ever really stopped and watched the rain fall from the sky? It really depends on what day it is or even what time of the day but sometimes they are meaning of so many things. On this day they are the tears that are forming in my eyes. Tears of pain that I have ensued in my life and the defeat that I have encountered. As I look out the window there is leafless tree that is covered in my tears. As there is no wind, these tears are not falling, but with every ounce of movement in the air a drop falls to the ground and into another puddle of pain and sorrow. As I watch and hope that the wind doesn't pick up, I wonder to myself, when will this all be over? When will the rain stop falling and when will my tears dry up? With every breath I try and hold back the next one from falling. Alas, I cannot prevent the inevitable and another falls.
Each moment of it's travel to the ground I am reminded of how simple life is meant to be. It is not supposed to be about all the drama that we allow it to be come. It should be about the people that we choose to surround ourselves with and the joys that they bring to our lives. So many times we go through life holding grudges, staying angry at someone for something that they did, a pain they inflicted upon us or a heartbreak they cast on us. As the tear lands on my pillow I remind myself to let it all go, take a step forward not backwards and move on.
So that is what I have to do. I need to let it all go, walk away and remind myself that life is supposed to be simple.
As the light of day fades to darkness the raindrops on this tree begin to glisten in the light of the streetlights. It is at this point that I realize that no matter the reasoning behind the tears that I have, they are life experiences, they are things that have happened to me. No matter how good or bad they are they still happened to me, made me who I am and I like who I am right now.
So rather than try and make them go away, I force a smile through the tears and remind myself that life is supposed to be simple and to just grow from every teardrop that falls.

Cracks in the Sidewalk (II)

As the walk through life continues, the cracks in the sidewalks grow with every year that passes. It is almost as if they are trying to swallow me, consume my thoughts and worst fears and bring them to reality. With every store front that I pass the windows are longer, the people are louder and it seems that they are trying to make me remember more and more. And, with every step the lights are staying out longer and longer as if the darkness is trying to find a place in my soul. So with every step, rather than try and fight what is trying to take over me I say "Bring it on!" With every crack in the sidewalk, the lights go out. I am fored to remember the pain that you caused me. I am forced to remember what you did when you didn't know what else to do. I think to myself "why did I think that I needed to grow up so fast?" In the past I would have let that moment of weakness turn into the scene in a store front and now I just take every moment of that and remember how it made me stronger!
As I continue to walk I notice that the next one is bigger than the last, it seems as though it may be impassable. I continue to walk and realize that I am going to have to deal with this head on, there is no going around it, I can't step over it and I sure as hell can't make it go away. I know what it's about, it's every time that you said that you would be there for me and you weren't. You never have the time, you can't stop what your doing to make the time and you can't seem to see that in the worst of times you can't be there for me. Every day I talked to you, every day I tried to make you see what you were to me and every day you couldn't seem to see past your own needs and problems. So, I had to stop, I had to take a step back and get ready to jump this crack in the sidewalk. As I begin to take a running start, the lights go out, storefront lights up and I begin to question my ability to get past this. I take a deep breath and off I go, running faster and faster I realize that the dark is getting darker and the store fronts are getting louder. Time and time again I seem to be pushed back like a force telling me not to do it. There are scrapes and bruises, bumps and cuts, but over and over I jump, until I get to the other side. The feeling of no longer needing you is a wave of calm that has rushed over me. It's almost as though there are no more cracks in the sidewalk, the lights are always on the storefronts are black. However, time is not that nice and there will be, in fact, I see one up ahead but I think I will just bask in the glory of this one defeated for now.

Water

There, before you, lays no simple task. It is of the unkown and untraveled. With each step you feel the ground beneath you giving way but you continue onward hoping that the force that has brought you to this place, to attempt this fascinating venture will hold you until the end. For what seems like a lifetime you are waiting for the waves to settle so this adventure and test may begin. With no notice you see the water is calm, entrancing. It feels almost as though it is solid, the force that is holding you is so strong, you seem to be gliding across as if on ice skates. Within seconds however, you now have become so confident in your abilities that you notice the force has began to realse and you are now trying to walk on your own. The tide begins to recede and you see that you are standing on solid ground again, no further away from shore as before but no closer to what is seemingly the impossible. As you force yourself to attempt this again you know with every fiber of your being that you will continue to try and walk atop the waves until there is no fight left inside your soul. With each step you wonder, am I getting farther away from the shore or closer to the unknown and untraveled?

Welcome!

Well here ya'll go. If you know me, I have been blogging (ar at least attempting to) on myspace for a few months now. Well, I have moved on to this thing (thanks to Heather) and we shall see. So, check back for updates and enjoy!